The Art of Saying No: A Guide to Graceful Refusals

Craig 00:01 

Being overworked and over-committed is a serious threat to your flourishing, but saying ‘no’ is hard. In this episode, I talk about how to use conflict management strategies to say ‘no’ gracefully and effectively.

Welcome to Live Well and Flourish, where I help you understand what it means to live a flourishing life. I'm your host, Craig Van Slyke. If you're ready to think beyond material and external success, if you're ready to take control of who you are and the kind of life you live, if you're ready to flourish, this is the podcast for you.

Saying "no" is critical to your mental and physical health. There's an old saying that no good deed goes unpunished, and that applies to being asked to do things. The more often you deliver, the more likely you are to be asked to do something in the future. Being competent and reliable is a blessing ... and a curse.

Craig 01:04 

Being overworked and overloaded is bad for your mental health and physical health and it's also bad for your effectiveness. When you have too much to do, you're not only subject to stress and burnout, you're also less effective not only due to being overworked, but also due to the coordination and task-switching costs associated with juggling numerous obligations.

But, as we all know, saying "no" can be kind of hard. There are a number of reasons for this; I think we can put these into two broad groups, relationships effects and reputation effects. Many of us have an inherent fear of saying "no" because of our beliefs about how saying "no" will affect our relationships and reputations.

Before getting into the underlying reasons for the fear of saying "no", I want to make a critical point. It does no good for you to be overworked, overcommitted, and stressed. So, saying "no" is often the best course of action for your relationships and your reputation. Never saying "no" leads to overwork, burnout and excessive stress, all of which are ultimately bad for your relationships and your reputation … and your flourishing.

Craig 02:17 

OK, let’s move on to why saying "no" is so hard. First, we often think that saying "no" will damage our relationships. Many of us have a desire to please others, in part out of a desire to do what is right and in part out of a desire to be liked and accepted. When you say "no", there’s this little voice that says the other person will like and accept you quite as much when you say no. Saying "no" also carries a risk of failing to please the other person, which runs counter to the desire to please that many of us feel so acutely. My guess is that you’re a generous person. So, when you say "no", there’s this bit of guilt that comes from feeling like you’re putting your needs above those of others.

Craig 03:03 

Being unclear about personal boundaries can also lead to a fear of saying "no". Many of our relationships carry pretty unclear boundaries, which makes it hard to know when to say "no" and when to say "yes". You can think of personal boundaries as guidelines that tell you how to interact with other people and how to respond when someone steps outside of those boundaries. If you don’t know where those boundaries are, it’s hard to figure out when to say yes and when to say "no". Finally, as I’ll discuss in some detail later, we say yes out of a fear of conflict. Saying yes is the “low friction” response in the short run … it avoids conflict. Unfortunately, though, saying yes too often carries serious long-term consequences.

That covers relationship reasons, now let’s talk about reputations. It’s likely that you want to be known as someone who is helpful, so when you say "no", there’s this fear that you're damaging this aspect of your reputation. This is particularly true when you feel like you have an obligation towards the other person, such as when they’ve done something for you in the past. We’re also socially and culturally conditioned to say “yes,” so we have a perception that saying "no" will put us outside of social and cultural norms, which can damage your reputation.

Craig 04:26 

You may also equate saying “yes” with being kind. Assuming you want to be seen as being kind person, and most of us do, it’s easy to be afraid that saying "no" will damage your reputation of being a good, kind person. A lot of us want to cultivate an image of being capable, available, and productive. In a twisted way, saying "no" sometimes carries a fear that you’ll be seen as not being able to handle demands effectively, which damages your carefully cultivated image. And then sometimes we’re reluctant to say “no” out of a fear of missing out; when you miss out on opportunities too many times, your reputation may suffer.

I’m going to throw out one more, huge reason why you sometimes say yes when you should say "no" … you really care about the task. You believe in whatever you’re being asked to do. “Wait, you’re not going to help? Don’t you want to cure cancer, save puppies and kitties, cure world hunger …?” You know, whatever. It can feel pretty bad when you say “no” to these kinds of requests. This reason doesn’t fit neatly into the relationship or reputation basket, but it’s a big reason we sometimes say yes when we really shouldn’t. I’ll talk more about this in just a minute.

Craig 05:44 

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So, there’s an important characteristic that kind of underlies all of these reasons; all of these reasons are based on our perceptions rather than some objective reality. It’s pretty natural for your brain to go into risk mode when you get a request. You kind of do a sort of cost-benefit analysis of the ask. What are the costs and benefits of your potential responses? Due to negativity bias, there’s a tendency to overemphasize the risks of saying "no". We also have a tendency to overweight immediate effects over future effects. It’s pretty easy to imagine the immediate disappointed or angry look when you say "no"; it’s a lot harder to imagine all of the possible future costs of saying yes. So, the bottom line here is that the deck is stacked against saying "no". Because of this, when deciding whether to say yes or no, it’s important to pause and think through the possible consequences in a rational, calm, objective way. Yes, I know, this isn’t always easy, but for big requests, it’s worthwhile.

Craig 07:07 

We’ve covered why we avoid saying “no.” Now let’s talk about how to say “no” artfully … how to say “no” in a way that conveys respect and goodwill and minimizes relationship and reputation costs.

Saying "no" artfully depends on two main elements: knowing when to say "no" and knowing how to say "no". Being able to do both of these requires discernment and grace. Discernment is just the ability to make wise, informed decisions about, in this case, when to say "no" and grace is taking an attitude of courteous goodwill when you are saying “no”. Let’s talk about each of these in a little bit more detail.

Understanding when to say "no" requires understanding three things: knowing your priorities about tasks and goals, and knowing your priorities about relationships. First, though, you need to understand and accept that you don't have an endless capacity to take on new tasks. There IS a limit. And if you’re like me, you push up against that limit more or less constantly. So, taking on a new task means neglecting some other aspect of your life. When considering a request, then, you need to figure out what you’re willing to neglect in favor of the new task. What are you gonna give up? What are you gonna not do? It’s also important to consider the importance of your relationship with the person making the request. More important relationships push your answer towards “yes” rather than “no”.

Craig 08:39 

Now let’s talk about how you can use the importance of tasks and relationships to decide when to say "no" rationally. We often say yes because we care about the person making the request or the project to which the request is tied. You say yes because you’re willing to neglect some other aspect of your life, some other task or relationship in order to take on the new task. Thinking this way, we can turn to conflict management to understand when to say "no".

Saying "no" is a form of conflict. Someone wants you to do something, and you don't want to do it. There's an inherent conflict whenever you feel like you want to say "no", so I think we can apply conflict management strategies to saying "no".

Craig 09:24 

There are four basic strategies for dealing with conflict: avoiding, contending, yielding, and problem-solving. We're gonna look at each one in the context of saying no. (By the way, I go into conflict in more detail in Episode 42, which is available at livewellandflourish.com/42 ) So, the key here is to think about the relative importance of two things, your relationship with the person making the request, and the importance of the task relative to other demands on your time. You’re going to choose your approach based on weighing these two factors against each other.

Avoiding comes in two forms: trying to get around the need to give an answer and saying "no" without any justification. This is often the correct approach when both the task and the relationship are of low importance. Here you say "no" because neither the request or the requestor is important to you, so you’re not willing to take on the extra work. You're not even willing to put a lot of explanation into why you're saying no. You might want to put the person off, avoid answering their calls or texts ... or emails, just try to kick the can down the road, so to speak. When you go so far as to not respond, I'm not so sure this is a great approach. I think it's okay for like blind emails and that sort of thing, but for requests where you have a relationship with a person, ghosting is a bad idea. Nobody likes to be ghosted. My advice is to just say "no" without much explanation by saying something like, “Thanks for thinking about me, but I really can’t help.” Sure, this may upset the other party, but you’re willing to take that risk.

Craig 11:14 

Contending is digging your heels in and saying "no" regardless of the consequences. You do this when the relationship isn’t all that important, and other demands on your time are. Consider this approach when protecting your other tasks is more important than maintaining a good relationship. It's kind of the hard no. The other person may be upset with you, but you’re willing to pay that price. The relationship just isn't that important. Keep in mind, though, that you don’t need to be a jerk about it. Be firm, but respectful, by saying something like, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll have to respectfully decline.” I know, this is pretty similar to the avoiding approach.

Yielding is giving in; this is often the right thing to do when the relationship is more important than other demands on your time and energy. Your goal here is to maintain the good relationship. You don't say "no", you say yes. Of course, this has its drawbacks. You're still adding to your workload and to the demands on your time and attention. Even though you have other demands, the relationship is so important to you that you’re willing to take on the extra load and maybe pass on some other things that you might be doing. So, it's easier ... and better here... to say yes, but you still need to recognize that there are consequences when you say yes; as I said, it may be necessary to put off some other tasks or activities to comply with this request.

Craig 12:45  

Problem-solving is working with the other person to develop a solution that allows them to get done what they need to get done, but without drawing on you. This is the best approach when the relationship and the other demands on your time are more-or-less equally important. So, you don’t say yes but you don’t fully say "no". Instead, you reply with something like, “Due to other commitments, I can’t give this the attention it deserves. Maybe we can talk about some other people who might help, or some other ways you can get this done.” Big warning here: Problem-solving will cost you some time and effort. But because the relationship is important to you, you're willing to put in that time and effort.

Craig 13:31 

Now that we’ve talked about how to decide whether to say yes or no, let’s cover how to say no with grace. In this context, the word grace encapsulates the idea of being respectful, tactful, and kind when saying “no”. In other words, it’s not being a jerk. And I'd even go further, it's being a nice person. Keep in mind that being respectful, tactful, and kind doesn’t mean being a pushover. You can say no gracefully and firmly. Grace is a two-sided coin here, it means showing grace to the other person but it also means showing grace to yourself. To the other person, you show grace by being respectful and kind in your answer while also being empathetic. Let's face it, nobody likes to hear “no”, even you and even me. So try to soften the blow a bit in your answer. At the same time, you need to show grace towards yourself by remembering that you deserve to have your time and priorities respected and by not feeling guilty when saying “no”. Remember, saying “yes” means neglecting something or someone else that’s important to you. The other person and their request may be important, but so is your well-being.

Craig 14:45 

Normally, I give you three things to think about or do in the coming week, but this time I’m going to take a bit of a different approach by giving you three phrases that can be applied to say no gracefully and three ways to avoid guilt when saying “no.”

Here are the three phrases, each tied to an approach for saying no with grace:

●       The empathetic approach: “I really understand and appreciate why you’re asking me. Under different circumstances, I’d love to help, but at the moment I can’t take on any new commitments. But I really hope we can work together in the future. I’m sorry.”

●       Here's the appreciative approach: “I’m honored you’d think of me, but I have some other important projects going on and can’t give your request the attention and time it deserves. I'm sorry.”

●       Here's the helpful approach: “It’s great that you have so much confidence in me, but I really can’t help right now. But I’d be happy to refer you to someone who might be available.”

Craig 15:49 

And now here are three ways to avoid guilt:

●       Understand and accept your boundaries and capacity: Your time, energy, and attention are finite resources, so you have to make choices, sometimes difficult choices. You’re not disrespecting someone when you say no, you’re making a rational choice.

●       Acknowledge the importance of self-care: Being overworked and stressed ultimately means that eventually you won’t be able to help anyone. One too many balls to juggle and they all come crashing down.

●       Accept that you can’t please everyone: No matter how hard you try, you can’t satisfy every single person in your life. That doesn’t make you selfish or uncaring. It just means you exist as a human on this earth. Disappoint some so that you won’t disappoint all.

Craig 16:47 

Our closing quote comes from the Ricky Nelson song, Garden Party: “You see, you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.” Life isn’t all about you, but that doesn’t mean that you’re unimportant. When someone makes a request, be discerning and be graceful, but remember ultimately, to flourish, you’ve got to please yourself.

 Until next time, be well my friends.

I produce Live Well and Flourish because of my dedication to helping others live excellent lives. I don't accept sponsorships and I don't want your money. The only thing I want is to help you and others flourish. If you've received some value from this episode, please share it with someone that might also benefit from listening. The best way to do that is to direct them to livewellandflourish.com

Until next time.