Axiom for Flourishing #1 - Agency defines character

Welcome to Live well and Flourish, where I help you understand what it means to live a flourishing life.

I'm your host, Craig Van Slyke.

If you're ready to think beyond material and external success, if you're ready to take control of who you are and the kind of life you live, if you're ready to flourish, this is the podcast for you.

This is the first episode in a series of 35, I think, in which I'll present a different axiom, a different rule for living a flourishing life.

These are rules that have guided my life, and I wanted to share them with you.

If you want to know more about this, Listen to episode 131, which is available at livewellandflourish.com 131 here's our first Axiom Agency defines Character Are you an angry driver?

I used to be.

In fact, it was my little pressure valve.

I'd get mad at traffic, stupid drivers, all the usual things.

It was mostly harmless, or so I thought.

Then one day I yelled while driving along with my wife, Tracy in the car.

I yelled at some dumb thing another driver did.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Tracy kind of shrinking back against the passenger door.

Even though I wasn't yelling at her, and even though I'd never yelled at her, I realized that something in her past made her react to temperamental outbursts this way.

So I had a choice to make.

Continue to express my anger while driving, or calm down and take traffic in stride.

I decided to calm down.

It took some conscious effort.

A lot of conscious effort.

But I became a much, much calmer driver.

I had agency over my actions, and fortunately, I chose to exercise that agency to become a better person.

Honestly, it's pointless to be an angry driver anyway.

You are the sum of your choices.

You've probably read or heard that saying at some point.

It's one of those somewhat trite but definitely true expressions.

Every moment of every day, you make choices.

Some good, some bad.

We tend to remember the big choices.

Who to marry.

Whether to take or leave a job.

Whether to move.

These are the big, memorable choices.

But in some ways, the little choices are more important to your character.

Let me lay out the logic for this episode.

You have the ability to make choices.

If you want to be a good person, make good choices.

Put a little differently, if you want to be a good person, use your agency, your ability to choose to make choices that align with the sort of person you want to be.

This axiom ties together two important elements of living a flourishing life.

The first is the concept of agency.

Agency is your ability to act independently and make your own choices.

You're listening to this because you choose to.

And thank you for choosing to.

You are in control.

There are lots of things that are beyond your control, but in many aspects of life, you have at least some degree of agency.

The idea of control is central to Stoicism and many other philosophies.

In the words of Stoic philosopher and former slave Epictetus, some things are in our control and others not.

That's a pretty well known quote from the Enchiridion, the handbook.

In fact, it's the opening line, which is one of the bibles of Stoicism.

But people often miss the next two sentences, which in some ways are equally important.

Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and in a word, whatever are our own actions.

Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and in one word, whatever are not our own actions.

Notice the common element in these sentences, the common thread, is our own actions.

Things that are in your control are the result of your own actions.

Things that are not, aren't.

This seems obvious, but it's often completely forgotten.

In daily life, we act as if we're at the whim of some outside forces that control us.

Sure, some things, really many things, are beyond your control.

While driving, I can't control the traffic or the actions of other drivers.

I can control my reactions, though.

That is totally under my control.

Even though we don't usually think of deciding how to react emotionally as an action, it is the way Epictetus uses the word.

You get to decide your actions and reactions, emotionally or otherwise.

Yeah, it takes persistent practice, but your thoughts and feelings are absolutely within your control.

You have agency over them.

This leads to the second critical element of axiom 1.

The second element comes from Aristotle's practice, habit being, process of flourishing.

The Stoics tell us we have control.

Aristotle focuses us on making the right choices, on exercising that control in the right way.

Basically, to become something like a calm driver, you first have to consciously and intentionally practice being calm.

Over time, remaining calm becomes a habitual reaction rather than something you have to do consciously.

Finally, over even more time, being calm becomes part of who you are, part of your very being.

These two threads run throughout this whole series of episodes and throughout the book that I'm writing.

They are core truths.

If you don't remember anything else, remember that circumstances do not define you.

Your responses do.

Buddhism gives us a very practical way to gain control over our responses.

Buddhist practice emphasizes the importance of the pause, the space between stimulus and response.

Mindfulness opens up that space, a space in which you can exercise your agency to make the right choice.

As you go about your week, remember to practice the pause.

Don't react reflexively.

Exercise your agency and make choices that align with who you want to be.

Remember, choices define character.

Make the right choices and you'll have the right character.

My reflexive reactions while driving kept me from being a calm person.

Making better choices brought me closer to being who I want to be, and I was one step further along my path to flourishing.

I produce, live well, and flourish because of my dedication to helping others live excellent lives.

I don't accept sponsorships and I don't want your money.

The only thing I want is to help you and others flourish.

If you've received some value from this episode, please share it with someone that might also benefit from listening.

The best way to do that is to direct them to livewellandflourish.com until next time.